homophobia

Eight Ways To Be Less Homophobic

Homophobia, I feel is becoming one of the larger concerns of our times. Like a virus it has spread through our society. Yet, many may see this as being only an issue for gays and lesbians. At the core of homophobia lies a hatred and fear of the same sex. This often reflect a hidden fear and hatred of self. Due to the extreme messages that our culture teaches men about masculinity and homosexuality, homophobia is especially a men's issue. Its infectious nature has filled our personal lives and our laws. Homophobia is a fear which takes a number of different forms. For some homophobia reflects the fear of being a homosexual, for some the fear of being thought of as a homosexual, for others it's the fear of being approached by homosexuals. Fear is a natural occurrence in our lives and is not easily denied. Denial of fear often leads to repression. Repression of feelings commonly leads to them being acted out and expressed in ways that are not straightforward or healthy. By accepting fear and facing our feelings we are able to allow them to be expressed in natural and manageable ways. The leads me toward the process of finding ways of being less homophobic. You may find the following suggestions helpful.

1. You can begin by working to accept that homosexuality, that people find others of the same sex attractive and desire sexual relationships with them as a natural part of life. This may be difficult for many of us because our culture has made the sexual side of our lives out to be in the least mysterious and in the extreme shameful. Much of our upbringing has been to to trust only what is traditional and familiar and to be suspicious and negative toward the new and different. We have been filled with the messages that homosexuality is sinful or sick or criminal. Similar bigotry has been taught of other groups (blacks, Jews, women) in our society. The simple truth is that approximately ten percent of our population is romantically and sexually involved with same sex partners. These people have the same joys and pains in their lives as do the rest of the ninety percent of the population who find themselves oriented toward members of the opposite sex. They love each other, have arguments about who will take out the trash, work and contribute to our society, struggle with feelings and doubts, run our government as much as any other category of people.

2. Work toward accepting your own sexual feelings as being a natural part of life. Sexual research shows a pattern among people of a bell curve which reflects on one end ten percent rigidly attracted to same sex and on the other end ten percent rigidly attracted to the opposite sex. This leaves eighty percent of us with a wide varied range of response and orientation to who we find of sexual interest. I feel it is helpful to have a clear awareness of the Difference between feelings and behavior. You may find a mountain exciting and stimulating, yet it doesn't automatically follow that you have to climb it. Similarity, as a man you may find the sight of a man pleasant and attractive and still choose sexual behavior primarily or exclusively with women. It may be scary for many men to realize that the distance between admiring John Wayne's or a football star's physical prowess and abilities and being attracted to them is not very great. Accepting where we are on the spectrum of human experience can allow this fear to dissipate before it fosters into hate of yourself orothers.

3. Develop good sexual boundaries for yourself. Clearly put this means being sure that you are having sexual experiences when and with whom you truly desire. This can be difficult for men in a society which portrays the masculine stereotype as animalistic, always "hard" and ready, and unable to say no. The inability to say no has become critical for many men and contributes a great deal to violence and fear toward other men. Since many have not learned the simple response, "No thank you, I'm not interested" to another man expressing sexual interest in them, a punch in the face is the more common reaction. You can see how unnatural this behavior truly is if you responded to a woman who you found unattractive by knocking her out. This can be more difficult for those who have experience physical and sexual abuse. Our boundaries are like a door and those who have been violated and traumatized have had that door continually ripped open by others to the extent that they may not retain a sense of ownership or control. Practice assertive behavior honestly and you are less likely to be either passive or aggressive. When we have a better sense of control in our lives, we can live with our fears more successfully.

4. Practice becoming comfortable with touch in your life. Touch is a I feel a basic need in life like hunger or breathing. Without it we lose a great deal of our connection with the world and become isolated and alienated. Research shows that babies which are not touch become ill more often and some die easily. For adults I believe the mortality occurs as an emotional death or illness. Denial of touch can lead to poor body awareness as well.

It can be helpful to have a clear distinction between touch and sexual activity. Both are natural and good, but they are not the same thing. Handshakes, pats on the back, hugs, putting arms around shoulders, receiving massages are but a few touch experiences which are different from being sexual. These provide a richness to our lives. By realizing more comfort in touching and being touched by both sexes we literally double the opportunities for connections with others. We also deescalate our fear on an essential body level.

5. Release the fear of being thought of as gay by others. We must choose whether we are going to live our lives locked in cages built by the bigotry and ignorance of others. As men we were especially raised to dread the fear and shame of being called "fairy or faggot". This anxiety was compounded by the myths that being less than the traditional "macho" male was evidence of being weak, effeminate or unmasculine. This perpetuated beliefs that being gay was in some way unmanly. Overcoming these myths can be fostered by realizing that masculine and feminine traits exist in both males and females. First of all there is nothing weak about being feminine. Both men and women can be proud of their masculine feminine strengths. Secondly, the examples of Alexander the Great and Rock Hudson should serve as a strong reminder that being gay has nothing do with having or not having masculine behaviors and traits.

6. Cope with your fear of the HIV+ virus and AIDS. Learn the facts concerning this challenge to our society. Talk openly with others in ways which promote understanding and behaviors which lead toward health for ourselves and care for those struggling with illness. Toss into the trash the dreadful myth that AIDS is some kind of punishment by God for gays along with myths like women's menstrual cycles being a curse. Educate yourself about and creatively practice safe sex. Realize that this disease is a risk and responsibility for any and all of us.

7. Be aware of the ways in which you tell jokes and the language you use to refer to others. We all use humor in different ways to express the silly and outrageous things in our lives. Yet, if our humor is always focused on humiliating and denigrating a particular group, it may be more honest to look at whether you are expressing laughter or anger and rage. Be sure that the message you create by how you communicate creates the kind of world that you want to live in.

8. Participate in protecting human rights. Whether you agree with a particular way of living or not protecting rights and freedom of choice is a critical issue. It is our country's tradition to on one hand protect the rights of individual's to live as they see fit. On the other hand it equally our national tendency to to try to censor and persecute those different from the majority. The struggle between these opposite behaviors has continued since the beginning our national identity. It is important to put your energies into activities and candidates which build goodwill and encourage understanding among people. Protecting the rights of others can be the strongest way to build an environment in which your own rights will be protected. The sooner we can help ourselves and others realize that what individuals do in their bedrooms has no effect on what they do in their jobs, the military, teaching children, or public office the greater opportunities.

To deny and persecute gays is to reject a rich resource of creativity and life which our society can ill afford to be without. To fear and hate that which is so much like ourselves is a threat to our own self esteem.

Remembering that what we give we also receive. Let us judge people by the way in which they care for others and the earth and not by who they choose to sleep with. By respecting the difference of human experience in ourselves and others we can become more comfortable and at peace with our world.