Talking With The Dead

A few months ago, my Grandmother died at the age of ninety-two. I have grown to know that major transformations in our lives involve an intense dynamic of seemingly conflicting thoughts, emotions and energies. I don't really feel in any detailed way that I know much about my Grandmother though I've known her all my life. I know she was a strong willed woman who cared about religious faith in a traditional, German Lutheran way, that meticulous housekeeping was an obsession, and that talking about the weather seemed to hold a fascination for her.

And yet, I don't know how she felt about love or what dreams were fulfilled or unfulfilled in her life. Her generation seemed have a more private, closed, emotional language. Her internal life was not something shared with a grandson.

I did know more of what my Grandmother didn't like. She seemed more eloquent in relating the negative aspects of life. Maybe it was because she lived through the Great Depression or that expressing joy too enthusiastically could be seen as sinful. I know the prejudice she felt about people whose skin was darker than ours. I know that she believed that how you appeared to others was more important than how you felt about yourself. I know that any restaurant that didn't have good fried chicken was worthless in her eyes. I learned much about judgment from my Grandmother.

Her passing was for me, a time of grieving both in a simple way of losing a family member and more complex in that she was also my Godmother. My Grandmother Helen along with my other Grandmother Fanny who had died when I was a child were both my Godmothers. They had stood up for me at my baptism and literally "renounced the devil and all his ways" and promised to be responsible for my spiritual upbringing. This special relationship had usually been somewhat of a strain for both of us. My own spirituality has grown through a weaving of the teachings and languages of many cultures and traditions along with a rich prosperous imagery of Spirit that I have personally observed. Most of my life I had felt that I didn't meet my Godmother's expectations because I don't attend church weekly and that I didn't follow my Father into the pulpit.

The day after my Grandmother's death, I was talking to Rev. Alika Galloway of the Kwanzaa Community Fellowship, a strong friend and spiritual sister of mine. I cried as I told her that I felt in a strange way I was on my own spiritually now that my last Godmother was gone even though much of her spiritual support had been in the form of judgment and shame. Alika reminded me that in her own way my Grandmother had always prayed for me. She also said that in her personal imagery she believed that my Grandmother now in full spirit would continue to pray for me. I then laughed because I realized that now my Grandmother was making local calls.

My Grandmother in full spirit has been a profound image which I have shared with a number of people that I have been coaching. Many of us have much unfinished business with both the living and the dead. Most of this, I feel is because we refuse to forgive the judgment of others. We commonly have intense conversations reliving and repeating to ourselves the words that have wounded us. I have challenged myself and others to realize whether we are talking in the present tense or just to our memory of the event. By bringing these internal conversations into the present tense, several things can happen. We can realize that with the living both parties may have changed and grown inviting us to update your perceptions. In regards to the dead, I offer the image that when we die and return to full spirit, in dropping our bodies, we also drop our prejudice, judgment and false illusions. In spirit there is the ability to know through love and empathy that those who differ from us are just different, vibrant shades of the rainbow. Spirit and love don't judge or create struggle. Only fear and ego give us justification for separating ourselves from others and from Spirit.

In our spirits and our hearts, our desires flow as one river. We all want to be loved, nurtured and feel the safety of respect. These are gifts which can not be demanded of others. They can only be given freely when we realize them as the graceful gifts of Spirit. My Grandmother's strongest spiritual lesson to me (so far) is this. There is no need to wait until we are dead to be in full spirit. Through our actions, we simply need to fulfill our spiritual desires. In speaking from our true heart's spirit, we can be in real time relationship with both the living and the dead. It requires only that we be willing to take the risk of truly experiencing your emotions freely. So, I invite and encourage you to enter into full spirited conversation with those you have resisted being at peace with. I believe you will be pleasantly surprised that the dead are such patient, tolerant listeners. They realize that very few things in life are truly a matter of life and death. They know that love is the energy which when released within us connects us to all. Release and enjoy !