Man Enough To Cry

Men do a good job of not crying. This is a skill we have learned through painstaking effort. Despite the fact that as small boys we could weep freely without shame, we learned to suppress this natural need. Through the years, by struggling to tense our bodies and distract ourselves with logical thoughts, we learned to hold back the tears. It was also helpful to receive frequent statements from family, friends, and teachers such as, "Toughen up, be a good little soldier," and "Big boys don't cry." The lesson was simple - Real Men don't cry.

Many social demands contribute to the belief that it's not manly to cry. Some may wonder why our culture has invested so much time and energy into teaching men this skill. The answer lies in the reality that this ability has served a useful purpose. Many of the traditional roles men have played are very difficult to accomplish while experiencing intense emotions. It is indeed hard to be a good soldier when crying. Also, many jobs that require denying physical pain and strain may also be more difficult when men allow themselves to feel vulnerable. These attitudes have greatly affected the way men see themselves and behave.

Many men are beginning to experience that by limiting the ability to express feelings of sadness and fear, they are also numbing themselves to feelings of joy and excitement. We live in an ever-changing world. Roles for men and women are becoming less and less exclusive. Peace is breaking out over most of the world. Fewer and fewer men find themselves in the more traditional roles of hunter, soldier and physical laborer. For some men these changes have encouraged a reexamination of the role emotions play in their lives. More and more, we find that the creativity and quality of performance that is possible today requires a wide and varied emotional base.

Feelings that are not naturally expressed do not simply disappear. Most commonly repressed feelings have a tendency to build up pressure and express themselves in more distorted and harmful ways. Feelings of sadness and hurt may fester and inappropriately be released as rage. The image of a pressure cooker gradually and safely releasing steam rather than exploding shows the benefits of crying as an emotional release. Also, tears released by emotions have been found to have a different composition than those shed from irritation. Specific stress chemicals may be released during emotional crying.

Adding crying back into our life can involve a process of relearning skills that once came so naturally. This can be explored by focusing on the skills we now use to inhibit tears.

First, we begin by allowing ourselves to remember a sad experience from the past. As we allow the image to form more intensely, we can notice how the muscles tighten in the face (especially the jaw). We can feel the way our eyes fix in a stare and the breath becomes shallow. We may also find the body held rigid, while the mind focuses on intellectual thoughts. We may hear an inner voice saying that we shouldn't cry and it may repeat shaming messages like "I don't have a right to my feelings," and "This isn't the way a man should respond." All these methods little by little help us draw away from our emotions. These can be effective behaviors when we find that crying would be a hindrance and when we choose to do them, for there are some situations where postponing crying may be a good choice (times of crisis, business meetings, etc.) On the other hand, these can be harmful behaviors when they happen often and occur without our control. Some of these behaviors, such as the shaming messages and disassociation from our bodies, can have dire effects over the long term. They can deeply impact self esteem and the natural functions of our bodies.

Allowing our self to cry more can begin by reversing the above process. As sadness comes to us, it can be experienced as naturally as clouds forming in the sky. The choice can be to respond in a more relaxed and releasing manner. Letting our breath flow continuously and deeply from the diaphragm encourages the release. As the breath is gently surrendered the jaw and the other muscles in the face are allowed to relax and become heavy. Relaxing the eyes enables sight to soften and become gently blurred. Internally we can be supported by nurturing thoughts spoken as we would to a small child. By saying, "It's OK to cry," and "That's right, let it out," we can simply feel our feelings without judgment or trying to problem solve and do anything about them. It's possible to let tears fall as easily as rain drops, leaving us feeling fresh and cleansed like the air after a spring shower.

We can enhance our ability to cry by the following exercises:

• Practice crying--especially about smaller things that are less threatening. (Sad movies, little disappointments, physical pain, etc.)
• Practice feeling emotions by observing rather than judging yourself.
• At first, choose places to cry where you feel very comfortable and safe. Then you can gradually add other situations. If you can't cry in a specific place or circumstance, make plans to allow your emotions later. And then deal with them when the time is advantageous.
• Allow yourself to cry with others. By crying with men as well as women, you can encourage others to be more free with their emotions. By crying around children you may make it easier for the next generation to keep their natural crying abilities. Allowing yourself to be seen crying is also a strong affirmation to yourself that it is a natural, manly thing to do.
• Talk to others about your feelings. Begin when feelings first are felt and uncomplicated by the pressure of negative thoughts and resentments built over time. Practice expressing smaller feelings like disappointment and frustration, then gradually move to larger, more intense feelings such as anger and hurt.
• Expect others to respect your feelings and respond to you with empathy and care. Find those who can support you in being yourself. Offer encouragement and gratitude for emotional support that is given.

For men to cry freely in our society takes strength and courage. You can look within yourself and answer the question, "Are you man enough to cry ?"

*The focus of this article is primarily men. However, as women have expressed their competence in what have been traditionally male roles, some have experienced similar challenges. These awarenesses may also be helpful for them.

Copyright David Mueller 1996 All rights reserved.